Sunday 2 June 2013

The days were long, but the year was short.







So, on Tuesday my maternity leave ends and I go back to work. In just ten days time my baby will be one. She took her first steps today. Last week we were on holiday in France and while we were there she refused to be spoon fed anything but fromage fraise and it's continued now we are home. She drinks her milk from a cup. She can climb off the sofa by means other than just launching herself face first at the floor. I am proud of every new thing she learns and I broadcast it to the world, probably to the annoyance of more than a few of my facebook friends, but each new achievement reminds me that everyday my baby is growing up, becoming her own person and that one day she may not need me quite as much as she does now.




As much as it may tug my heartstrings however, I know that this is what my job is. To help my daughter to grow into the person she will be, to find her footing and her place in the world. And it is my privilege and honour to be there with her while she makes each new discovery. I don't think I knew what to expect from motherhood. While I was preparing for it in the last months of my pregnancy, I organised and tidied, I bought in food to fill the cupboards, I batch cooked to stock the freezer, I prepared the nursery and the crib which would be in our bedroom. I made list after list after list of things to be done. I prepared for siege and told myself that you just had to be ready for mess and chaos, but if you put enough systems in place you could cope. I couldn't have even begun to know how to prepare my heart for the onslaught of emotions that followed the moment they placed my daughter in my arms. A siege of Love and Joy and Terror in equal measure laid claim to me in that instant, it hasn't let up since.

I didn't know how much it would change me.




Those first few weeks with a new baby are almost indescribable. In a day, an hour, a minute even, you  run the full gamut of emotions as you juggle feeding, changing, rocking to sleep, try to clothe yourself and remember to eat. You run to the bathroom the moment your husband comes in and can take the baby which will sleep nowhere but your arms and so has had you imprisoned on the sofa for an entire afternoon. You learn new levels of love as you jolt from sleep at 4 am just to listen to the snuffling noises coming from the crib next to your bed. And when you think that your exhausted body can take no more and you pray for just a moments peace, they smile at you and in that moment it's all been worth it.




So now, with ten days to go till the big ONE birthday, with the knowledge that our days together will be fewer as I go back to work, I want to say Thank You to my daughter; for making me your mother, for moulding my heart with each of your smiles, for teaching me everyday the wonder of the world you live in. I rediscover the world when I watch you, the fascination in your face on seeing the most mundane of things makes me see them anew with you. Each new discovery you make, I make along side you and I am excited to see what the next year will bring. I look forward to the games we will play together, the songs we may sing (because you love to sing now and talk whenever others are talking even though you haven't yet found words) and the adventures we will have. I hope I am equal to the task ahead of me, helping you grow and learn and become who you are. But I know that even if I make mistakes it will be OK, because I am learning just as you are and the process of becoming will never end. Mistakes are part of the journey. So thank you, I love you more than words can begin to say, you are beautiful and you make every day beautiful for me.




Mummy.

(Coco Blue)